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there was a time when i believed i could recover by 'ass-mosis.' this is the process of changing my life by only attending meetings and wishing that the recovery i saw there would auto-magically sink in. after that would not work it was time to start kicking in the 'santa god' concept. "please GOD give me a better life, after all i am asking for it prayer, but i am not willing to do anything to get it!" and for some reason that did not work either -- BUMMER DUDE!
so after failing to find a better life or a better me by those methods, what was left to do? i was still physically feeling the need to use, and emotionally i was still a wreck and i was getting desperate. after all i was doing what i was told to do, going to meetings and praying and it was still not working.
what did i finally do? i started actually working the steps with the man i asked to be my sponsor and started taking a few of his suggestions on ways to begin to learn how to live a program of recovery. what is really ironic was this man was my sponsor for ninety days or so before i even thought that he may have the means to help me recover. and he not only had the means, he also showed me what the results were by the way he was living his life -- his actions matched his words, he practiced integrity in all his affairs.
what an amazing concept, making my life, my behaviors and my choices actually match what i was saying!
so when i am confronted with a situation, a feeling, or a thought that does not fit into my current concept of reality, i can try and wish it away, or if i am really doing well, actually run it through the filter of the spiritual tools i have accumulated over my micro-second of recovery and see what comes out. in other words do the footwork and leave the results to teh powers that be!
so do i still wish for a better me? some days, but, now i know how to achieve that result -- do the WORK DAMMIT, and leave wishing to the tales of the arabian nights.
∞ DT ∞