Blog entry for:

prayer. if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
yes once again that very old bromide comes to mind. what else came to mind this morning was that perhaps i NEED to get moving on. i have caught myself, more often than not, holding on to little things, slights, asides, snubs and petty little disagreements. so what else is new? well what is new to me, is that from strangers and acquaintances, i seem to let them go without a second thought. for those for whom i care about? well, i stew about the incident, wonder ]what i did wrong,, and come to the conclusion that it is their problem, not mine. then i rehash the whole vent over and over again, building what should have been just a small event into a full-blown resentment that i can rage about. this has been escalating over the course of the past few weeks. some of this comes from the whole holiday build-up and afterglow, which is quickly coming to its end. part of it comes from the amount of time i am spending at home, i am just not used to being at home, day in and day out. some of it is a reaction to the shortness of sunlight and the unseasonably frigid temperatures. most of it, i am beginning to see, is coming from the fact that i have been sitting on the end of my 11TH step for a bit of time, and been waiting for the holidays to pass, so i could get together with my sponse and finish it out. lots of reasons, lots of effects and the end result is someone i do like being, bitter, mean and even more cynical.
most of those causes for my current spiritual condition are things i have little or no power over. the weather, the sun, my sponse getting sick, yes all of those are beyond my ability to alter and have to be ridden out. working from home and time off? well i did need this break, and although it will be one more day of working from home, today i think i am going to take my junk on the road and hit the cigar store for a few hours this afternoon or maybe not. anyhow, what i do have a bit of power over, is how well i apply my program of recovery to the here and now. sure there may be a post or three on social media that ticks me off today. yes there may be one or more slight or petty little grievance over the course of today. yes, there may even be some event that getting angry about is a normal and sane reaction. all of that may or may not occur. what i have some power over, however, what i feel in the here and now is one thing, what i pile upon myself after all is said and done, is quite another. what i want to do today, is take the action of allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery, to show me the next right thing to do. it may end up me acting out as the biggest a$$hole in my life, but i doubt that is really the next correct action to take. it certainly is not swallowing my feelings and riding out the storm. there has to be a spiritual center, somewhere in between those two extremes. my job, is to navigate to that place and allow myself the freedom, just to be okay, seeking that sweet spot.
even though the drive is quite short this morning, it is time to get rolling on that 50 ft commute. it is a good day to remember that although i did not use, and do not want to use, my spiritual condition is contingent on how well i adhere to living the program of recovery that has given me this life.

∞ DT ∞