Some memes

take root is not something that is second nature to me, yet. i never was a trusting person, even before i used. my experience growing up was that no one was worthy of trusting, as every time i did, i got burned, scorned, humiliated and beaten down. not exactly the kind of life that engenders one to become trusting, and of course, since i was an addict, that made me develop a HUGE chip on my shoulder and find the ways and means to stay even with the world around me. life became a zero sum game and trust was just one of the pieces on that chess board. getting clean did not all of a sudden transform me and those who seem to be “struck clean” are often suspect in my eyes of hiding something, even to this day.
as i stay clean and live a program of active recovery on a daily basis, my ability and desire to trust those around me has grown. it is not as if i trust everyone the second i meet them, they still have a bit of a wall to climb over, however that barrier gets shorter and shorter day by day. i do not have to explode “trust bombs” anymore to see who i can trust and as i grown my connections to my true self, i am less afraid of what others may do with the stuff i give them, as that is now on them and no longer part of who i need to be.
i may have more to say on this later on, but for right now, it is enough. i am thinking about returning to the scene of the crime on Monday morning and taking the hike that did me in, in October. just like that proverbial horse, perhaps the time has come to get back on and see how it feels in the saddle once again. i am still tossing that notion around in my head, so when i arrive at a decision, i will certainly know what the next right thing to do, is, just for today.

∞ DT ∞