Blog entry for:

i struggle with the steps; i wrestle with the same problems; i labor under the same uncomfortable feelings day after day.
i certainly have been at this gig, for a bit of time and the pace of my recovery, or better put, my perceived pace of recovery seems to crawl along at glacial speeds, from time to time, inching its way towards the open ocean of peace of mind and serenity. in fact at times, i wonder, is it even worth it? after all, this is a program of results, and i have my thoughts of what those results should be. yes, it is my unmet expectations of what growth in recovery should look like that drives my discontent. so just as politicians do, i could and often do spin the results, so i am less dissatisfied and move on. unfortunately for me, spin only works for so long, sooner rather than later, the ennui and discomfort creep back in to my conscious mind again, and once again i am looking for some relief. i remember hearing that IF i wanted what i saw that the members who were here when i got clean had, i had to do what they did. in fact, that is such an important concept, that it is part of what is read at most of the meetings of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. saying the words and taking them on FAITH, is one thing. LIVING THEM, well that is quite a different story. that is exactly the problem. somewhere i got the notion in my head that if i longed for something hard enough and asked for it in prayer, than i was entitled to receive it, without any additional effort on my part. what i like to call the manna from heaven version of recovery. it is true that i longed to be clean, after i stripped away the layers of my denial system, and i did pray for power over my addiction. what i got, was the power to stay clean and the opportunity to find a different way to live, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. the difference between what i believe i am entitled to, and reality is quite striking. having the opportunity to become something more, is what i feel recovery is all about for me. so when i am dissatisfied with the pace of my growth in that opportunity, i have to remember that this is a process, not an event. the process, in and of itself, may consist of a series of minor and quite major events, but tectonic shifts in my life very seldom happen, and once i look at that, i am quite happy that they do not. just as i said in a meeting last night, as i GOT to be a part of a celebration for a man who chooses to call me his sponsor, the man he is today, i was on that very first night, when i asked to see evidence of his last use. just as i told him that night, that he never had to display that again, one day at a time, so it is true for me. the evidence of my active addiction was far from so obvious his were, in the terminal stages of my life as an active addict, to maintain my freedom. nevertheless, i was just as broken and certainly bore the scars upon my emotional and spiritual self, that were just as ugly and as prominent as his physical ones.
when i feel the pull of dissatisfaction on the pace of my spiritual growth calling, i need to stop spinning and start looking to what exactly am i DOING to further my growth into the human being, i long to become. it is through the process of the 12 STEPS one at a time, in the order i am written,m that i get my desire to be more than i walked into the rooms as. for me, it is only through the application of of that process, into my everyday life that keeps the growth process going. and when i happen to feel that i am not growing at an acceptable pace, and i find i am doing all that i can, to further my growth, than i NEED to accept, that right here and right now, i am exactly where i am supposed to be. there is something i NEED to learn, to feel or to experience, exactly where i am. i will move forward when the time is right and i have done what is needed at this juncture. saying that and accepting that are two entirely different concepts, but hardly unrelated. recognizing that i need to accept, is for me the first part in the acceptance process, which often does culminate in an event, that is part of the events that comprise my overall recovery process.
anyhow, i need to keep moving this chilly Sunday morning and see what i can accomplish before football this afternoon. it is a good day to think about the recovery process and even a better one to put it into action.

∞ DT ∞