๐ i could not ๐
Posted: Wed, Sep 10, 2025 10:42:59 AM
control my using, so what makes me think i can control my recovery? for me and as i have many of my peers say, it comes from surrendering to this new manner of living. as i have never written my story here, on this the twenty-eighth (XXVIII) anniversary of my clean date, i think it is about time to do so.
i user for the first time when i was fifteen at Boy Scout Camp and i used or the last time on September 10, 1997 on my way to a fellowship camp-out, the ironic part of that last use, was it was the only time i was high when hanging with me peers in a recovery setting. in the course of my using i never met a drug i did not like and one i liked so much i only did it for one night. i liked getting high from that very first time and that feeling never left me, although i spent the next couple of decades trying to recreate it. when i used certain substances and certain delivery methods, i always wanted to “get to the edge and look down into the abyss.” when i did not see the tunnel and hear the roar of the train in those instances, i was sure that i needed to do even more or got ripped off. chances are my response was that my dealer sold me crappy dope.
i had no desire to get clean. if it were not for a bad decision by a friend to whom i supplied, i probably never would have got clean. he gave his girl friend a fatal overdose and her Mom made sure to hound the DA until the both of us were charged with crimes. i took the lea i was offered and figured that i could stay clean quite easily for three years, and BOY WAS I WRONG! i was busted with my first hot UA three months after getting sentenced. after that little trip up, i went to my first meeting, however, it was too late and i ended up jail, until my probation officer decided to spring me. she sent me to treatment and i got a bit hammered drunk the night before i went into that thirty day facility, saying i was an alcoholic, so my health insurance would cover a huge portion of the bill. i knew then i was an addict but for the three months after completing treatment, while on home detention, i learned how to use and beat my UAs, i fronted recovery in two different fellowships and i became an addict-alcoholic, as redundant as that sounds today, it seemed the best way to go at that time. using on my way to the camp-out sounded like a good idea at the time, but i was cocky enough that i was clean with barely three days after that last use, and surprise, surprise, i failed another UA. needless to say, the the justice system was not impressed and i was told in no uncertain terms that if i came before the judge again, prison would be my home for the next three years.
that started my period of mere abstinence, still attending two fellowships, going to out patient treatment and fronting recovery by learning to spout all the bon mots and clichés. it was only i found myself in a basement apartment thousands of mile away from my home, with a using buddy and a sack of dope i bought, and less than three days before my next UA, did i finally get desperate enough to admit that i was an addict, had the desire to stay clean, that i needed help staying clean and became a member of the fellowship that has given me this new life to which i surrender to every day.
the path of my recovery has been neither smooth or easy, as i am a stubborn and willful person still to this day. i do practice what i call an active program of recovery, however, taking the lessons i have learned from my less than stellar moments and applying them to my life. i can still fall back into obsession which the past few days is an indication of and i still have times in my day when i want to judge myself and others based on behaviors, attributing labels that may not be correct and are certainly derisive. the good news is that i am getting better most days and am grateful for my journey into the sort of life i never even thought i could have. it is a great day to be clean, just for today!
i user for the first time when i was fifteen at Boy Scout Camp and i used or the last time on September 10, 1997 on my way to a fellowship camp-out, the ironic part of that last use, was it was the only time i was high when hanging with me peers in a recovery setting. in the course of my using i never met a drug i did not like and one i liked so much i only did it for one night. i liked getting high from that very first time and that feeling never left me, although i spent the next couple of decades trying to recreate it. when i used certain substances and certain delivery methods, i always wanted to “get to the edge and look down into the abyss.” when i did not see the tunnel and hear the roar of the train in those instances, i was sure that i needed to do even more or got ripped off. chances are my response was that my dealer sold me crappy dope.
i had no desire to get clean. if it were not for a bad decision by a friend to whom i supplied, i probably never would have got clean. he gave his girl friend a fatal overdose and her Mom made sure to hound the DA until the both of us were charged with crimes. i took the lea i was offered and figured that i could stay clean quite easily for three years, and BOY WAS I WRONG! i was busted with my first hot UA three months after getting sentenced. after that little trip up, i went to my first meeting, however, it was too late and i ended up jail, until my probation officer decided to spring me. she sent me to treatment and i got a bit hammered drunk the night before i went into that thirty day facility, saying i was an alcoholic, so my health insurance would cover a huge portion of the bill. i knew then i was an addict but for the three months after completing treatment, while on home detention, i learned how to use and beat my UAs, i fronted recovery in two different fellowships and i became an addict-alcoholic, as redundant as that sounds today, it seemed the best way to go at that time. using on my way to the camp-out sounded like a good idea at the time, but i was cocky enough that i was clean with barely three days after that last use, and surprise, surprise, i failed another UA. needless to say, the the justice system was not impressed and i was told in no uncertain terms that if i came before the judge again, prison would be my home for the next three years.
that started my period of mere abstinence, still attending two fellowships, going to out patient treatment and fronting recovery by learning to spout all the bon mots and clichés. it was only i found myself in a basement apartment thousands of mile away from my home, with a using buddy and a sack of dope i bought, and less than three days before my next UA, did i finally get desperate enough to admit that i was an addict, had the desire to stay clean, that i needed help staying clean and became a member of the fellowship that has given me this new life to which i surrender to every day.
the path of my recovery has been neither smooth or easy, as i am a stubborn and willful person still to this day. i do practice what i call an active program of recovery, however, taking the lessons i have learned from my less than stellar moments and applying them to my life. i can still fall back into obsession which the past few days is an indication of and i still have times in my day when i want to judge myself and others based on behaviors, attributing labels that may not be correct and are certainly derisive. the good news is that i am getting better most days and am grateful for my journey into the sort of life i never even thought i could have. it is a great day to be clean, just for today!
∞ DT ∞