Some memes

fight is for my recovery. okay, so i know that my source material was all about surrendering to the fact that i am powerless over addiction. the bit i pulled from that source, however, spoke to me far more fluently than surrender. a brief break while i visited with my sister and nephew and back at this. the interruption was unexpected and desirable, as i have not seen her much since my Mom died. the fact that i am clean, allows me to feel the pain f her absence and celebrate the fact that she is living a life she has chosen and is more than happy with it. seeing her this morning, reminded me, that i, too, am more than just content with my new life after forty hours of work per week for decades. sitting on my patio, enjoying a cigar as i pound out this hit, feels like the next correct thing to do.
it has been a long minute since i considered “fighting” my recovery, as it hardly seems to be required these days. my recovery feels solid, i know that i am an addict in recovery who is finally coming to terms of what it means to be retired and how my identity has remained intact, just shifted in a new reality. i have time today to enjoy my day. i have the ability to choose how much of my life is tied to my computer and how much is tied to my little job. i am happy to be working twenty hours a week and for once, going to work is not a burden i need to bear. all of this newish life might have been a challenge to me, if i did not have a strong program of daily and active recovery. and yet, part of me feels as f i am surrendering myself into the ease of the dis-ease. the reading reminded me that i did not get here without a struggle and that more than once since i got clean, i held on to my clean time with white knuckles and grim determination. while those days are behind me, i certainly need to evaluate on a regular basis, if i am slipping into a state where i need to pick up the gauntlet and fight for my recovery, once again.
today, is not one of those days and i am grateful for not having to go into battle to protect me recovery. today, my only battle is coercing AI to stay true to my vision and rein itself in. that is a battle i choose and i understand the cost of being true to what i see and feel, even if it is only a little vanity project that no one will ever read. just for today, i will take the reminded that this life is only possible because i have a recovery process and that process is more than worth me fighting for it.

∞ DT ∞