Blog entry for:

ironically, that is when the trouble really starts. it is truly humbling to realize that not only am i powerless over my addiction, but even over my own defects of character. well an extra day for me, at least that is what it feels like. the service commitment that i had planned was canceled due to the weather, although looking out my windows, i can see no reason for it. that is beyond my power and was actually a decision i agreed with, as apparently what i see out my windows is not the state of the weather everywhere in the region, in fact what i see is anomalous to what is going on elsewhere. so i get a day to work, play, read, and relax.
after that bit of diversion, i guess it is really time to write about what is going on with me this morning, at least in relation to the daily reading. so there were two themes that struck me right between the eyes, powerlessness and humility as i contemplated the state of my recovery after reading the entry this morning. they are related in so many ways, that i do not believe that i can untangle this Gordian knot with any efficiency so i will go with the two themes together all at once, and hopefully i will not get lost in the effort. so as i consider my defects of character and the shortcomings that arise from them, i am struck by how imperfect i am, and how my vision of the man i want to become seems unreachable. this humbling realization, could send me back to using, after all, if i cannot possibly become that man, what exactly is the point. the worst part is, if i have no power in removing what it is within me, that keeps me from becoming that man, things get even more dark and gloomy. so what is the point. it can get worse from here. IF this is all beyond my power, and all i can ever be, is what i walked in as, is there any payoff to staying clean, practicing a program of active recovery and attempting to find a new way to live? now i know where this is all going, to stop this seemingly unbreakable chain of logic into justifying a relapse it is time for me to take a look at reality and the evidence of what has occurred since i decided to step upon this path. although i do not have any power over removing any of my character defects, their effect on my life has been diminished. in fact, when i consider the choice i make today versus the choices i made six months ago, i can see that they are more in line with my vision for myself and the man i wish to become. so if that is not my doing, which is what the reading strongly intimates, then something else must be going on. there is some personal power here somewhere, and if i look at it, it is BECAUSE I WORK STEPS and practice a program of active recovery that a POWER GREATER THAN I, can diminish or eliminate my defects of character and the shortcomings that arise from them. so i am not truly powerless over this process, but i am powerless in the one aspect that i would most like to be in charge of, the garbage removal. after all, i want that crap left out on the curb and hauled away yesterday, not some vague time in the future. it is this impatience that drives my frustration and leads me back once again to the whole chain of logic that can lead me back to active addiction full-time.
yes. impatience is a character defect or shortcoming, so the irony is not lost on me!
so on that hopeful note, i think i will jump into the shower and get moving on to the next task, i have all sorts of time for today.

∞ DT ∞