Blog entry for:

rid myself of a particular defect, has happened more than once in my recovery journey, even though the results were far from what i desired. in fact, part of what i heard shared in a meeting not to long ago was all about exercising self-will against defects of character and being disappointed by the results. for the record, in my sponsorship tradition defects of character and shortcomings are not synonymous. before i go down the path of what i heard this morning, a few of my peers have clean date anniversaries today, that need to be recognized by me:

Jim E,
Seven (7) years clean, congrats.
for someone i never expected to stick around,
you continually amaze me.

Brian T,
Two (2) years of doing this gig, 'just for today'.
i am glad you chose this path and keep coming back.

it is true, i find my defects of character, undesirable and want to be rid of them. it is also true, that as part of my last trip through the steps, i had more than a bit of a spiritual awakening specifically around my defects of character. the insight i gained was that i could continue to define myself as a collection of character defects or i could accept that is the way i am, and learn to recognize what was undesirable and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the means to another path. more simply put, by accepting that i am judgemental, for instance, instead of trying to stop myself from forming a judgement and then railing against myself for another judgement formed , i could just form the judgement and decide what to do with that judgement afterwards. another area that has been problematic for me, is my cynical outlook on life. i know that for me, a healthy dose of cynicism is not a bad thing, it is who i am. forcing myself top always look on the bright side of life and be a “positive” person is a struggle that i will fail at, 9 times out of 10. what i learned in that last set of steps was to embrace the fact that i am a cynic and CHOOSE to use that as a force for change withing myself and those who trust me for guidance. sure i might want to walk around with a “positive” attitude all the time and be a “ray of sunshine” in the lives of everyone around me, but that simply is not who i am. the only time i ever was like that, for any length of time, was when i felt secure in the amount of substances i had to “get me through” my day and the number of social interactions i had with unknown people, were at a very minimal level. that perfect storm was far from common in my life.
today? well today i have stuff to do, and mile to go before i sleep. the consequence of my birthday, is my desire for a healthier lifestyle, as such, i have stopped doing a few things and added new activities into my life. just for today, however, i am not fighting my defects of character and i need to own up to my part in the dramas and traumas that are part of my life.

∞ DT ∞