Some memes

allow others to be themselves, and let trust take root where it will. this morning, i feel as if i have lapsed into a self-obsessed dick head asshole. well, not quite, as being that critical of myself is not what i am about today. it is true, i was not present when i was working out at the gym this morning, and i certainly was barely paying attention as i drove there and back again. behavior like that, which does not meet my double secret list of expectations and hence i am then entitled to beat myself up soundly about my spiritual head and shoulders. yes, that whole scenario dredges up my luggage and it is a clue that perhaps, waiting until the new year to start my FOURTH STEP is probably not my brightest plan of action. today, however, at least this morning i have a project or two i want to get done and i do want to try out my new gig of shopping, so maybe not today.
i certainly could say that being less than present for what is happening around me, is just being myself and it would not be a lie. it is however, not who i want to be and certainly not the person that others have come to trust as i have learned to trust them. i am grateful that my lapse was in the presence of strangers who have no idea what to expect from me, rather than in the company of my friends, loved ones or trusted peers. it is a small consolation, but it has helped me out of my desire to denigrate and abuse myself.
i have written about the process of letting trust take root in my life, more than once in the past. i certainly was neither trusting nor trustworthy, back in the day. over the course of my recovery i have become attained the ability to trust as i became more trustworthy. on mornings when i am living in a different world, it feels foreign to me to be considering how trusting or trustworthy i really am. as odd as that may sound, i know who i am and what i have become and when i feel myself “backsliding” i get the notion in my head that what i know about who i am must be wrong, rather than a minor blip on my daily journey, as that is the easy way out, rather than digging a bit deeper to find what is really going on and seeing if that is a simple course correction i can make. after a pause and a few minutes to consider that question, i can return to the real world and be present, in the here and now. i also know that for all my talk about being a “new” person is more than a bit of hyperbole, what i am is a person who chooses to let the man who walked into the rooms, be in my past by applying a bit of recovery, rather than dwelling in the house of pain of not meeting every single expectation i have created for myself. i am okay, i was in my own little world at the gym today and when i run in the gym tomorrow morning i will do my best to remember that the track does not belong to me and i need to be present for my fellow travelers.

∞ DT ∞