π making my π
Posted: Thu, Jun 18, 2020 10:02:54 AM
community a better place, by **repairing** the damage i did in active addiction is no longer one of those **looming** issues in my life. this might have been a blog about how i have the overwhelming desire to **help** others and that **paying it forward** is what i am all about. in reality, the manner i live my life these days, does not cause a whole lot of damage to society.
right now i am sitting here listening to one of my customers trying to figure out what is “wrong” with their application, since we made changes in our data center. what i keep hearing is confusion on their side, about what they are doing and no one is on the same page about the nature of their failures. it reminds me of one of my default modes, take no responsibility, tap dance and not do my research before i start looking at the actions of others. most of the amends i needed to make to society were in that same vein. i walked through my life as if nothing i ever did ever affected anyone else. of course, blithely walking through life with no clues about what was happening in my wake, protected me from having to ever “own” anything. even if the circumstances of the world around me change, i was insulated from ever having to change anything about how i lived.
when i think about the indirect amends i make on a daily basis, i do not get all “angsty” about not doing enough. i did not substitute helping others for my desire to use. as i become more comfortable in my own skin, with who i am and how i live today, i have FAITH that i am doing the next right thing, to the best of my ability today. my fantasies about “saving the world” have become “right-sized” into a realistic view of my abilities. yes, i can probably do moire to create less of a footprint on the rest of society. i am not going to wail and gnash my teeth, seeking to find the ways and means to do more. i will however, pay attention to the world around me and alter the way i live, to what any changes that happen in my world today.
right now i am sitting here listening to one of my customers trying to figure out what is “wrong” with their application, since we made changes in our data center. what i keep hearing is confusion on their side, about what they are doing and no one is on the same page about the nature of their failures. it reminds me of one of my default modes, take no responsibility, tap dance and not do my research before i start looking at the actions of others. most of the amends i needed to make to society were in that same vein. i walked through my life as if nothing i ever did ever affected anyone else. of course, blithely walking through life with no clues about what was happening in my wake, protected me from having to ever “own” anything. even if the circumstances of the world around me change, i was insulated from ever having to change anything about how i lived.
when i think about the indirect amends i make on a daily basis, i do not get all “angsty” about not doing enough. i did not substitute helping others for my desire to use. as i become more comfortable in my own skin, with who i am and how i live today, i have FAITH that i am doing the next right thing, to the best of my ability today. my fantasies about “saving the world” have become “right-sized” into a realistic view of my abilities. yes, i can probably do moire to create less of a footprint on the rest of society. i am not going to wail and gnash my teeth, seeking to find the ways and means to do more. i will however, pay attention to the world around me and alter the way i live, to what any changes that happen in my world today.
∞ DT ∞