Some memes

are unsafe or endanger other people. or as the reading plainly states beyond the ability of any human being to actually consummate. i mean quite honestly, even with time in recovery and sifting through the crap that was my life, the names of many to whom i owe amends are either forgotten or i never knew them. in my wake of destruction and harm, there were many of these anonymous victims, that although i am willing to own what i did and repair the damage i did, i will never be able to do so. as much as i would love to use that as an excuse to keep from ever owning that damage, the loophole here is quite nicely closed with the whole indirect amends gig, DANG IT! i have written about this topic before. i agree wholeheartedly with the concept of living amends as my indirect amends to the world in general and the cast of nameless people i harmed in active addiction. so on this particular topic, i believe i will close with, even if i cannot remember those names right here or right now, there is yet another NINTH STEP in my future, and once again i will have the chance to put a name to those i have injured, in active addiction as well as in recovery.
what was on my head and i guess my heart the past few days was the notion of being rewarded for being clean. the thought of where is my reward has popped-up in my quiet times and as much as i desire to ignore it and stuff it back into the depths of my subconscious mind again, i know better. i have discovered and yes this was a discovery not an uncovery, when topics that make me look sick continually surface, than i NEED to share them to allow them thee time and opportunity to get processed. otherwise it will drive me away from where i want to be today, bit by bit, sort of like the Chinese water torture.
anyhow, the notion that i should be rewarded for staying clean is a common theme, after all, the part of me i call addiction craves immediate gratification, which means a reward for doing the next right thing and punishment forever deferred for doing what is wrong. it is not some stretch, nor am i some sort of aberrant person because i go back to this place. the feelings that i attach to such thoughts is where i get sick and unhealthy. when i think about my DESIRE for a reward, i feel shamed, because someone with as much clean time and recovery as i believe i have SHOULD BE FOREVER GRATEFUL for what i have. i SHOULD accept that me reward is the opportunity to do it again just for today. i SHOULD be grateful that i can choose to stay clean and recover today. i SHOULD, most of all, be GRATEFUL that i am no longer enthralled by active addiction. and yet…
it is the shame, that i think like an addict from time to time, that is the symptom of how unwell i am in the here and now. it is not the thoughts that are important, it is what i want to do with them. this morning, i am demonstrating a bit of recovery or at least my desire for recovery by sharing them here. i may share them in the meeting i will be attending in a few hours as well. stuffing and trying tom appear what i am not is behavior that i carry with me, so-called “old behaviors” and behaviors that i would be better off without. as i understand where the POWER to remove such defects and shortcoming comes from, i will do my best to let them go and allow the process of change to happen without my interference. so as i have much to do before 10 AM this morning, although that list has now been shortened by one task, i think i will end with the notion, that id i want to be rewarded for staying clean and practicing a program of recovery to the best of my ability, all i need to do is look around me and see the life i have been given, it is far beyond my wildest drug-induced fantasies of what the real world could look like.

∞ DT ∞