Some memes

spiritual wealth opens up when i accept responsibility for my recovery and all it entails. i am not sure what made this line stick out when my source material was all about responsibility. what exactly is my spiritual wealth anyhow? when i consider where i once was and how i behaved throughout my life living the lie i took for truth, my spiritual capital was practically nil. one of the bon mots that are repeated time and again in recovery literature and the rooms are that we arrive at the doors of recovery spiritually bankrupt. for this vantage point, i would find it hard to disagree with that, no matter how trite it once sounded to my ever so rational self. i would argue that point internally by rationalizing all sorts of nonsense with at least i never… that covered a multitude of sins the worse being that nothing was ever my fault, especially the state in which i arrived, chained to the justice system, lacking any true relationships and always seeking a loophole to dive through. responsibility for anything was not the first thing i ever considered as asking for forgiveness rather than permission was my standard operating procedure.
moving into the here and now, life in my new role and my identity shifting like sand under my size twelve sneakers, i can see the wealth of what recovery has given me. the litany can go on and on, but it comes down to having a purpose in living the program and becoming aware of who i am, once the trappings of work and believing i was too broken to be seen have been stripped away. i see a life that is emerging from the ashes that has meaning even if it is not working forty hours a week, pounding out the hits for my corporate masters. i may not see the exact shape of it, quite yet, but i feel that it is being revealed bit by bit and it looks pleasing to my eye.
when i assess what i have gained as a result of my journey, i probably will minimize what i have gained. i may not have fifty years of life left in me and i certainly do not have a million bucks in the bank, but i do have today and the promise of a bit more self-awareness and self-respect, if i allow myself the freedom just to be, just for today

∞ DT ∞